Online Universities… Must Immediately Hold My Pocket

 

This morning I got the above letter in my mail and it instantly ruined my day.  At first I was going to shred it (looked like yet another credit card application).  But THEN I looked closer and saw it’s a friggin online university.  What really creeped me out was the tagline:

We see where you’re headed….

I damn near soiled myself.  The last thing I want is an online university predicting my future.  I already spent 4 years + 2 more trying to earn a degree here and there, just to be told by Walden online University nope, not good enough, we still got your number. 

I don’t think it’s online universities in general that bother me.  For some people they provide needed resources etc.  I think it’s the way they market themselves.  You ever seen a commercial for ITT?  They have one where you have a young woman at a regular 4-year institution talking to her friend who just finished ITT.  The ITT friend is bragging about how her career already started and then goes on to sh*t on her university friend for still paying college tuition.  What topped it off of course was that they were all Black.  It’s not bad enough that ITT and online universities are sh*ttin on folk going to snailmail universities (is that the opposite of online universities?  who knows…).  But what’s worse is that their target audience is shamelessly the Black population.

So needless to say I did not want to be a statistic.  When I got that Walden University letter I immediately got productive.  You read that BBC article about Bush tripling AIDS money to Africa? 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7534272.stm

I did that.  I figured if I didn’t do something impressive today I’d be getting a call from Walden by the afternoon saying “we understand you’re not doing sh*t at work.  Well, we’ve got loads of opportunities for you.  You’re pre-enrolled.”

Not happening buddy.

Walden University you shall not have me!  I Am Somebody!!  And all you get from me is POCKET, striaght POCKET.

Samuel L. Jackson… hold my muthaf&$*#n pocket

Samuel L. Jackson might be the greatest actor alive.  He’s been in more films than Bill Cosby has sweaters .  Any time Sam Jackson is in a film, it’s an instant classic.  I mean, they’re not all gonna be hitters like Pulp Fiction, but the mere fact that Jackson is in a film means it’s rentable at the least. 

Anyone remember that Formula 51 film?  Of course you don’t.  Remember that film where Samuel L. Jackson was running around in a kilt?  There you go.  See what I mean?  Even the most random of movies has an appealing factor because of Sam Jack.  And need I mention Snakes On a Plane?  Arguably the best opening weekend movie I’ve seen in life.

But enough testicular jiggling here.  Sam Jackson has some pocket holding to do.  When’s the last time you’ve seen him in a movie?  Jumpers?  It was cool to see Sam Jack as a villain, but you’d never think he’d play a villain that was more lame than the heroes.  You’d wanna see Sam Jack as a bad ass villain.  I wanna see him as someone that kills Will Smith in the first 5 minutes of a movie.  Can you imagine that?  Hey, Will Smith is a lovable actor and makes some great family flicks, but how bad a$$ do you gotta be to kill the Fresh Prince in the first 5 minutes of a film?  That’s the role Sam Jack needs to play.

And think about it.  Who were the Black actors in the 2 latest comic (and without a doubt best) movies to hit the screens?  Iron Man: Terrence Howard.  The Dark Knight: Morgan Freeman.  These are your above average actors here.  Morgan Freeman has the type of voice that makes you smarter just listening to him.  And Terrence Howard, well…. he’s come a long way since Whoop That Trick. 

But there’s no Samuel L. Muthaf*%$#n Jackson!!  He had a 4 second cameo at the end of Iron Man (go back and watch Iron Man if you missed the cameo), but that’s friggin it.  Is he working on something huge right now?  If not, he’s slackin.  Sam Jackson you are slackin and there is to be no slackin when it comes to being the all time greatest movie persona alive. 

So until you get it together Mr. Jackson, hold my pocket, adjust your swagger, and get back in the game buddy.

Facebook Models… I love it when you hold my pocket

I gotta be real.  This blog is getting too political for my taste.  So I thought I’d talk about something near and dear to my heart.  Facebook.  Yup, and you love it to because that’s how you found this blog.

One thing I love about facebook are the models, or rather wouldliketobe models.  There’s nothing I love better on facebook than adding facebook models.  They create their own modeling agencies like Juicy Coutier Modeling or Black Ice Photos or Mercedes Near Nekkid Studios.  Come to think about it these mostly sound like porn establishments (and they very well might be), but lo and behold they are actually facebook models trying to get somewhere.  (editor’s note: the above names aren’t real, but could be… I just haven’t checked)

The best part about facebook models are their photos and their photo comments.  The more nekkid the photo the more simping the comments (simping sorta means unnecessary and excessive compliments in order to try and impress the opposite sex… doesn’t work).  And man these comments are out of control.  And they’re usually along the lines of

“oh wow, you are the true vision of beauty”

“truly perfect.”

“you are the hottest person on facebook hands down”

“you are absolutely beyond a doubt beautiful”

blah blah blah.  And the more nekkid the pic, the more simping you get.  It doesn’t matter how pretty she looks.  The chick could look like a shaved gorilla with braids, but as long as she’s nekkid, “i’ve never seen anyone so lovely.” 

Let’s try something different.  If you wanna post on a facebook model’s pic, try simply typing skeetable.  And say no more.  Go head, try it.  You’ll literally shatter their wall of security built by all the simping commentary.  You might even get a few responses from angry guys saying “how dare you verbally defile this beautiful flower.” 

So on that note, it’s actually not facebook models who can hold my pocket, it’s simping a$$ commentary. 

It’s Official… CNN is Holding Black America’s Pocket

Thank you to everyone who responded.  2 posts on the blogsite and about a dozen on facebook.  The real question is, so now what?  CNN botched an opportunity to explain Black people to America (that phrase just doesn’t sound right… kinda like a scientist having to explain a weird phenomenon to a room of students). 

And again the question remains, if the mega-conglomerate known as CNN can’t do it… who can?  Is a task like this best left for daily one on one or small group conversations, slowly bridging the cultural gap between Black and white America?  Perhaps…. who knows.

Should Black in America Hold My Pocket?

 

I heard a lot about this series.  For those unaware, I’m currently overseas in a part of the world that apparently frowns on telecommunications (connectivity with the world is synonymous with the mass populace demanding their rights it would seem… but that’s aside from the point).

I wasn’t able to watch this series, so I want to know what you think.  How did CNN do?  Were Black people pigeonholed into sob stories of crime and neglect?  Were we praised for overcoming dire obstacles?  Were we covered in news stories as regular Americans?  Or were regular news stories covered as if the topics only affected Black people?

N-Word, hold my P-Word

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And by N-Word, I mean the actual phrase “n-word”, not niggas.  Yes, I said it.  Niggas.  I have zero problem with niggas, specifically the terminology “niggas” (however, for added shock value, I will continue to write the word without the quotations.  and by “the word” i mean niggas). 

Whoever started this trend of condensing niggas to the n-word needs to be shot.  That’d be ironic.  The whole debate about the n-word circles around the notion that the moral decay in the Black community stems from our chronic use of the term nigga.  Thus, by taking away the word itself we take away that moral decay.  Nope.  Niggas will still be niggas.  Or rather, a nigga by any other name is still a nigga.

By this time I probably have to remind people that I went to a top university and am not just throwing the word nigga out there for fun (though it oddly relieves stress for me to say the word nigga 10 times slowly… and if u don’t believe me you need some more Richard Pryor in your life). 

At one point in Black history, the n-word was actually the word “no.”  In a household, you might hear this typical conversation between a mother and child:

Mother: “I thought I told you to go clean your room.”

Child: “NO!”

Mother: “Nigga did you just say the n-word in MY house?!?!”

(discipline ensues)

Child: “yes ma’am.  I’ll clean my room”

The Black community was a much better place then.  It was a time when we focused less on word choice and more on behavior and discipline.  Now, we flipped the script.  We somehow think that by “banning” a word we can influence behavior.  And if you think my example above is what I’m condemning, read it closely.  The mother’s shock is not at the term “no” but that it explicitly conveys a direct violation of household order, of parental order, and of the foundation of familial existence.  NO CHILD wants to be the source of destruction for the Black family… the consequences were too severe.

Nowadays though it’s like we’ve lost our damn minds and think that the Black family is destroyed by the word nigga.  You can take the word away and bury it (thank you for nothing modern-day NAACP) and you will still have all the decrepit factors destroying Black people: drugs, heart attacks, NYPD, and FEMA. 

Nigga absolutely has mounds of negative connotations heaped on it from the past, from lynchings, slavery (which is still holding my pocket), Jim Crow (soon to hold my pocket), and much more.  But… so do drugs, so do guns, so does droppin out of high school!!!!!!!!  Let’s friggin bury all those things and wear t-shirts with the word NIGGA plastered on it in bold letters.  Then what will happen to the word nigga?  Not a damn thing.  What will happen to the Black community?  Frightening levels of success.

And if you agree that that type of success is necessary in the Black community, then dammit take the next person who dares say “n-word”, and demand that they hold the P-word.

“World Hunger is holding my pocket” (so says the UN Food Summit)

Countries around the world are scrambling like never before to compensate for world food shortages, with the best hopes, for some, of only lessening the number who die from starvation.  Meanwhile, it seems world leaders are taking an unusally lax approach to the issue. 

At the UN Food Summit in Rome, world leaders settled for a downgraded menu consisting of:

- vol au vent stuffed with sweetcorn and mozzarella
- pasta with pumpkin and shrimp sauce
- veal meatballs and cherry tomatoes
- fruit salad and ice cream
- wine: a “straightforward but very acceptable Orvieto Classico”, according to officials

This is a DOWNGRADE?  Well, technically it is.  In 2002, the same world leaders were criticized for an extravagant menu consisting of:

- foie gras (goose liver patte) on toast
- kiwi fruit and lobster in viniagrette
- fillet of goose with olives
_ seasonal vegetables
- fruit compote with vanilla ice cream
- array of wines

Man…. these guys are literally suffering under the new regulations barring them from double-goose entries.  If I EVER take the time in a conversation to tell you how I’ve had to settle for veal meatballs and vol au vent (which is apparently a hollow pastry stuffed with mushrooms, prawns, or other such mediocre items not fit for leader consumption), please grab the nearest heavy metal object and beat me into unconsciousness. 

And we just don’t understand world hunger in the United States either.  The following quote is from Steve Thayn, Idaho State Representative:

“Hunger is not always a negative as the report indicates. Without hunger or the threat of hunger probably half of humanity would not get up in the morning and go to work. Hunger is one of the great motivators of humanity. It is one of the tools that I used as a parent to encourage my children to do their choirs as young children. When used properly, hunger can motivate people so they can experience the joy of work and accomplishment.”

Steve was explaining the brighter side of world food shortages.  The world can now relax because world hunger is not a problem, it’s actually a motivational factor for those who are hungry to fix their lives.  Perhaps we should limit Americans to 1 meal a week?  That would boost us right into the Jetsons Age in a matter of days.  I don’t know all the ins and outs of the current food crisis, but I do know starving humans can barely blink much less advance society.  I also know that Representative Steve Thayn is most likely depriving his children of Cheetos rather than hiding the rice, flour, wheat, and potatoes from them. 

But hey Steve, when you’re done hiding the skittles and starbursts from your kids, go call some friends at the UN World Food Summit, and invite them over to the World Pocket Holding Summit. 

 (you can read the full menus for the UN Food Summit here:  http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article4058305.ece)

Save Darfur… But Hold My Pocket First

Nothing annoys me more than the Save Darfur campaign.  The first and most obvious problem is that no one in the campaign knows where the heck Darfur is.  If you look at the image above, you see that these crafty campaign organizers finally added a shaded region to Sudan in order to indicate where Darfur is.  Even with the glaring red mark I’m sure 98% of people you ask to point to the poster and find Darfur will simply look at you with a blank stare and say “it’s in Africa, duh!”  Along that same note, no one in the SD campaign knows that Darfur is an entire region, not a city, and is divided into 3 main subregions each with its own sets of problems.  This takes us to the next issue.

So What’s The Problem in Darfur?
The common answer to this will be “genocide.”  If you ask them to explain, they will say “government-led genocide of Darfurians.”  If you ever get this response you should pat them politely on the head and congratulte them for memorizing the campaign’s tagline. 

The problem in Darfur is complex, to say the least.  And while genocide is at the core issue, urging the government to “stop the genocide dammit!”  doesn’t cover any of the root problems. 

I’m also annoyed because of the things people do that they think will stop genocide in Darfur.  I’ve seen facebook groups that promise to donate $1 to Darfur for every 1,000 people that join.  Where the hell is that dollar going?  To who??  I know it’s 2008 and information/communication is moving along at breakneck speeds, but I doubt I can just slap some stamps on an envelope and label it “West Darfur.”  I even more doubt that I can send $230 dollars to this mythical address in Darfur and expect a proportionate decrease in the genocide as a result of my lazy (yes LAZY) actions. 

So What Should I Do To Save Darfur?
The first thing you should do is put the damn poster down, lose some weight to help end world hunger, and do A LOT of research on Darfur, Sudan, east Africa, the horn of Africa, colonialism, Sudanese history, literature, etc etc.  Basically do more than go to the savedarfur.org website and order the t-shirt.

Part of my friggin job title is to analyze Darfur.  I get to meet leaders of Darfurian rebel groups REGULARLY and I tell ya, I still don’t know what the heck is going on there.  But what I do know is that the problem will only solve itself when Darfurian groups have the wherewithall to band together and come with a common agenda.  It’s nice that the world is actually focused on Darfur and desperately wants the problem to be fixed.  The reality though is that an issue like this will never be solved by t-shirts, posters, and eager, liberal Americans looking for an easy way to say they did something good with their lives.

So please, if you are that eager to Save Darfur, good for you.  But first, pick up some reading materials with one hand, and hold my pocket with the other.  The dual experience should be enlightening.

Slavery… holding my pocket since 1619

We don’t really think about it much today, but slavery sucked.  As in literally… that ish was terrible.  The problem is that we’ve glossed over slavery so much in learning our history of America, that we refer to it as a passing joke.  References to field niggers, house niggers, picking cotton, watermelon, slave masters, whips, beatings, lynchings, all have become hilarious one-liner jokes in America (among Black and white communities) and they honestly serve to diminish the atrocities that took place in America from 1619 to 1865. 

About a year ago I read Dr. Joy Leary’s Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, which is essentially a beginner’s guide to race in America, tracing the crumbling state of race relations today from the extensive reach of slavery hundreds of years ago to our inability to adequately address the situation.  One of the very problems we have today is that it’s difficult to pinpoint any type of concrete connection between slavery and what is happening in the Black community today.  The common rebuttal (spoken among whites, thought among some Blacks) is that “slavery happened soooo long ago, and there are LOTS of opportunities geared directly towards Blacks today.” 

I just want to take a second to highlight the extent to which slavery was impossibly bad to the point that it STILL carries negative effects.

Slavery in America was bad enough that there is no real metaphor with which to describe it.  Honestly, how do you describe the extent of slavery?  Perhaps you could say it’s like being employed in the mail sorting room of Microsoft and having Bill Gates personally tell you that he’s going home to sleep with your wife…. daily.  But that’s just one part.  Slavery is also like being shot in the genitals, by your high scool teacher, on a daily basis and still having to avoid failing school.  One could also say slavery is akin to walking barefoot on broken glass day-in and day-out and being told that you get an hour to sleep… on the broken glass.

Those are just chump examples to be real.  I have no clue exactly how horrifying slavery was, but I can gaurantee you it was the most extreme violence to Americans (though we weren’t considered Americans then) on American soil by American people.  Here are some examples from Dr. Leary’s book:

 

Before the torch was applied to the pyre, the negro was deprived of his ears, fingers and genital parts of his body.  He pleaded pitifully for his life while the mutilation was going on, but stood the ordeal of fire with surprising fortitude.  Before the body was cool, it was cut to pieces, the bones were crushed into small bits, and even thet ree upon which the wretch met his fate was torn up and disposed of as “souvenirs.” … Small pieces of bones went for 25 cents, and a bit of the liver crisply cooked sold for 10 cents.  As soon as the negro was seen to be dead there was a tremendous struggle among the crowd to secure the souvenirs… Knives were quckly produced and soon the body was dismembered.” – this quote comes from 100 Years of Lynching  by R. Ginzburg

“As she dangled from the rope, a man stepped forward with a pocketknige and ripped open her abdomen in a crude caesarean operation.  Out tumbled the prematurely born child… Two feeble cries it gave- and received for answer the heel of a stalwart man, as life was ground out of its tiny form.”
- this quote comes from Before the Mayflower: A History of the Negro in America by L.J. Bennett

These are just small examples of why slavery was so horrific.  Imagine this on the daily.  I’m not about to get into a debate of how much relevance this takes in the lives of Black people in 2008 who most likely have never heard these stories.  I’ll simply say a) the terror is real especially when you know a lot of Americans have pieces of slaves still in their basements and b) slavery can hold my pocket with all due expediency.

9-5…. hold my pocket during the 45 minute lunch break

I think there’s nothing more annoying on the planet than a 9-5 job.  And the worst part is that all of us with one seem to have it the worst, in our own individual way.  Maybe you actually work 8-6 rather than 9-5 (welcome to my world).  Or perhaps you have more degrees and experience than your direct supervisor.  Or there’s the classic “chose to move to Podunk, Nebraska for 3 years to make an extra $10,000″.  

Regardless of the specifics of why your 9-5 is horrendous, the main outline remains the same. 

Stuck To A Desk
9-5s suck because you sit at a desk.  Even when your job requires you to be out and about, you’re still somehow attached to a desk.  9 times out of 10 you aren’t doing anything that particularly requires you to be at the desk in your office.  Maybe you’re brainstorming.  Hell, you could do that on a couch recliner with your feet popped up and would most likely be more effective.  The worst part about being at a desk is that you have to keep it organized.  However, that takes time.  And if your boss walks by and finds you organizing your desk, it just doesn’t seem like the most productive answer.  Can you imagine working for Raytheon, which handles multi-billion dollar defense contracts and your supervisor comes over to find you looking for the best place to hang your calendar.  You’re done buddy.

Gotta Be at a Computer
I think computers are the least productive aspect of employment.  Case in point, I run this blogsite entirely while I’m at work.  I don’t have time to write and manage a blog when I get home, I got real things to do.  At work though, I oddly enough have all the time in the world.  And I’m not alone in this.  84% of recent graduates spend 60% of their computer time “surfing” the net.  In 2008 that means a combination of facebook, google, myspace, google, gmail, gchat, google, facebook… in that order.  If they took away my computer TODAY, I would be forced to be on point.

Lunch Breaks… Keep Dreaming
So the rule of working in an office is that only the boss gets exceedingly long lunch breaks.  YOU, have to be at your office both before your boss takes off for lunch (so he/she sees that you’re diligently appearing to work) and you gotta be at your office before your boss gets back (i.e. the impression that you’ve been working all along).  There’s probably no worse crime than leaving for lunch BEFORE your boss and getting back AFTER.  Oh they won’t say anything to you, but you’ll be paranoid the rest of the day of how the repercussions will manifest themself.

Working on What?
When you first start a job, you are hella hyped because the description matched perfectly with what you did 4-6 years of undergrad for.  Program Coordinator for the Gates Foundation.  Design Specialist for Raytheon.  Project Manager for Accenture.  All of these sound fly.  What the heck do you end up actually doing at your job?  What most of us fail to realize that a 9-5 is composed mostly of clusters of assignments that add up to levels of larger importance that exceed our work requirements.  Hence, you are working on projects that have little direct relevance for you, yet are absolutely essential.

 

Okay, I think maybe I took things to the extreme a bit.  There’s always the caveat of working hard and doing the things you don’t like doing so as to get to where you want to get to.  You know, rolling up your sleeves and just getting the job done.  At the same time, I have a serious issue with this preoccupation of having to get a 9-5.  The real heroes of society are those that said “you know what, I have a great idea, a vision, and I’m going to go forth on my own.”  You guys and gals, I salute.  The rest of us are left in our cubicles/offices essentially holding our own pockets.