Donald Trump’s Not to Blame. You Are.

The problem with “birthers” is not their fanaticism, it’s the absence of someone beating them over the head with common sense.  No one is clamoring for national syndicated airtime to say “wait a minute… do you think no one with authority would have checked to make sure Obama was actually a citizen?  Do you think this whole endeavor was a plot by Hillary Clinton to get 2nd place? Or maybe life is just one big South Park episode and Obama and McCain have secretly joined forces to for some ulterior, and ultimately hilarious, motive?”

No, the birthers movement has been met with silence from the moderates and as such it has run wild. And it’s all your damn fault.  Donald Trump is not the villain here.  Trump is simply the loudest, most prominent voice of a ridiculous movement that you (we? No, you. Definitely you) allowed to escalate to absurd proportions.  The success of this “birthers” movement equally stems from the fact that those with common sense simply brushed it aside as a fringe phenomenon made up of irate conservatives. You damned fools.

President Obama was doomed to lose this battle of wits against the witless as soon as we the general public with a lick of sense sat back and said “he’s got this.” Instead of resting on our collective haunches (yes, this time it’s us, not just you) and waiting in vain for the country to let the president, well, be a president, we should have firmly drawn the battle lines with a brazen “are you fucking serious?” directed at all ridiculousness. But nay, we partied, and we loved it.  We ran into every bar chanting “my president is Black!” but sat and did nothing when our president was under attack.”

Every time someone demanded to see the President’s birth certificate there should have been ten pundits demanding to see George Bush’s IQ score. You talkin about birth certificates? I’m talkin about long division.  If you want proof Obama is a citizen, then I want proof Sarah Palin doesn’t have a penis.  If Donald Trump wants to see Obama’s school transcripts then I want to see Trump’s tax records. If you simply MUST have documentation to show that the President of these United States is not an illegal alien that somehow all of INS, USCIS, Border Patrol, and the good sheriffs at Reno 911 missed, then I want indisputable evidence that John McCain did not impregnate Bristol Palin. I want the DNA report on that kid. I want the DNA report verified. I want the licenses of the doctors who did the DNA tests checked. I want the doctors to undergo a lie detector test. I want the hospital finances to be audited. I want the fucking moon and until I get it John McCain is Bristol Palin’s baby daddy. That is a FACT and you are a communisty/socialist/anarchist/traitor until you can prove otherwise.

Sigh… sometimes I feel like Dave Chappelle on jury duty. (I looked forever for the “Nicole Simpson can’t rap!” rant but couldn’t find it. This is a close second)

Part of the problem, however, does rest with the President, who at this point I wish listened to more rap music in his life. He might’ve handled the whole situation differently if he had a “fuck it” mentality. A Jay-Z-esque president would’ve carried his birth certificate deep in his pocket and would have personally invited Donald Trump to reach into his pocket, graze his balls and grasp his shaft to get it (no pause, this is politics). A Kanye West style president would’ve literally wiped his ass with it and mailed it to Donald Trump with a note attached saying “now you know why i’m the shit.” Or he could’ve dismissed the whole thing with a Jadakiss laugh “a-ha!” and walked off.  But, he took the intellectual route and provided evidence, thinking that evidence would quell disbelief. No, that’s not how this works. This is a country where the loudest voice wins, and Donald Trump is LOUD.

And not only is Donald Trump LOUD, but you’re QUIET. You can boycott The Apprentice all you want but you’re too late. You failed the President. Trump and the birthers were loud and you were quiet.  You were soft, like pillow sheets.  Or worse, you were soft like the inside of pockets, and that’s where your recklessly lackadaisical behavior has gotten you. In my pocket. Now why don’t you stay there until you find the balls to challenge ridiculousness.

Charlie Sheen – He Holds NO Pockets

How dare you, America. How dare you keep this man, this legend, Charlie Sheen secret from us for all this time. For years, you’ve made Black people feel like fools for counting among its ranks of celebrities Kanye West, Mike Tyson, ODB, and James Brown. Despite the genius of (some) of these names, you’ve sequestered our confidence in them to the point that we label them as crazy, a$$holes, cokeheads, or just plain embarrassments to Blackness.  And then you show us Charlie Sheen.

This man, this legend, this unabashedly shameless drug user (NO! not a user, don’t ever call him a “user”) who stares you in the eyes and coolly, boldly asks you “so what?” His brash defiance for societal norms and seemingly endless thirst for reckless hedonism make even “Chippy D” (Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter-turned porn star) into a respectable community figure.

If it sounds like I’m teabagging, I am. Proudly. One would be so lucky as to bag the tea of Mr. Sheen. To call Charlie Sheen the white Kanye West would be an insult to both. Mr. West apologized, again and again and again, and we as a community gave him a perpetual side-eye first for his brash actions and then for his rambled pleas for forgiveness.  Charlie Sheen endangered life and limb of himself and those around him and essentially told everyone to get with the program or get off the ride. No, there’s no comparison between the two.  There’s Charlie Sheen and then there’s others.

Charlie Sheen embraces the no pockets lifestyle. Not only is he the only person on earth who’s not holding anyone’s pockets, he has no pockets to be held.  Quite simply, to hold his pocket means that you’re in his purview, that he acknowledges your presence and your concerns, but finds the latter (sometimes the former) ridiculous. No, he’s beyond that. He doesn’t acknowledge you.

Sigh, I digress, and I do so because I’m not Charlie Sheen, who stays focused even when the coke doesn’t.  Don’t hold his pockets, because you can’t. And cry as a result.

But it’s Black History Month!!

This February might be the worst Black History Month since the first February of slavery.  Yes, I said it.  I’m not referring to the usual “are you kidding me” moments, such as finding out there’s another sequel to Big Momma’s House.  That’s tragic (maybe I’m alone on that, since, well, there IS a sequel), but it doesn’t make or break a Black History Month.  But, let’s add that to the Pepsi Max Angry-Black-Woman-Chucks-Soda-Can-at-White-Woman Superbowl commercial.  And, for some celebrity flavor, let’s have Halle Berry cause a firestorm with “my baby is Black” (you’d think this one would be a good thing, but somehow it’s become a “how DARE you” affair). Of course, on my job, I had to run into photos of Black people holding moonpies next to monkeys and bananas.   And how could we miss Beyonce in blackface? But, again, these are all trivial and, at the most, raise an eyebrow or two (except for the Beyonce in blackface ordeal, that garners a *head cocked to the side*). But what if we add, I don’t know, a three-story billboard stating The Most Dangerous Place for an African-American is the Womb (see photo above), would that do the trick? And, for good measure, let’s place the ad in the middle of Watts.

The billboard is a pro-life add from a Black pastor.  Doesn’t make it any better in my opinion, but adds some context.  Nonetheless, whether or not you’re pro-life, the poster is questionable.   Supporters of the campaign use statistics to defend the poster’s existence, which is all well and good, except I could also use statistics to make a billboard on the freeway saying:

“Black women, good luck getting married!” or

“Please Try Your HARDEST To Not Be Black or Latino… Our Jails Are Too Full.” 

Or, to give the pro-choice argument, I could say:

“Want Lower Crime Rates? Abort Black Babies.” That last one was an actual suggestion from former Secretary of Education William Bennet.

The point is, relying on statistics alone to get your point across puts you on shaky ground, and doesn’t do much to address solutions.  That same money could’ve been spent on sex ed programs in schools, or free condom programs, or funding free clinics.  Right now, the poster is just confusing, and is the latest and most egregious in events that make me say “oh come ON! It’s Black History Month!!” 

Maybe I’m just being sensitive.  After all, many of these examples, when taken alone, are just that, isolated events taken out of context.  But… it’s February! If we aren’t concerned about how Black people are portrayed during Black History Month, then why even try to promote it as a month where we’re supposed to learn positive things about Black people?  At this rate, the CW might as well unveil the Don Imus Reality Show, or Tyler Perry come out with Why Did I Get Married 3, or, hell, MC Hammer might as well come out with another KFC commercial. 

 At this rate, those hypotheticals actually don’t seem so bad.

Hitler-Obama Images… Hold My Pocket

If you’re putting Hitler mustaches on images of President Obama, you’re an idiot.  There’s not really any other way to say it.  Probably the only thing worse is a political candidate putting Hitler mustaches on images of President Obama (see photo above).  I ran across this in DC on the way home.  Had to take a picture.  I don’t know who this LaRouche fellow is, but he’s either playing off of people’s stupidity (tea partyers), or is conducting “punk’d” style social experiment.

Anyway, let’s delve deeper into why this Hitler-Obama comparison is garbage and pocket-worthy.  First, there would have to be some type of comparable evidence for the image to make sense.  Let’s examine:

– Hitler massacred hundreds of thousands of people who he deemed as different and unworthy.
– Obama challenged America to provide healthcare to the poor and defenseless (i.e. children).

– Hitler sought to take over Europe and spread a policy of genocide across the globe.
– Obama is encouraging world powers to NOT use nuclear weapons and send us into a nuclear holocaust.

Yea, I’m not really seeing any comparison.  Just now while writing this, I visited LaRouche’s website.  I think the aspect I’m MOST astounded with is that this cat has a FOLLOWING.  There was a Black guy out there who was peddling LaRouche’s flyers.  There’s a friggin series of video with LaRouche’s own newscasters calling for the impeachment of the President.

WTF???????  I’m listening to it now.

LaRouche wants to impeach Obama because the health care legislation is “designed to destroy America.”  And… apparently he’s a puppet for the British monarchy that seeks to destroy the U.S.  Oh, and Obama’s policy is modeled after Hitler’s style of leadership over Germany.

I pretty much typed up that previous paragraph verbatim while listening to LaRouche.

Okay, I think you get the point.  Anyone that SERIOUSLY believes there to be a correlation between Hitler and President Obama, you need to hold my pocket… and then you need to leave my country.

“Obvious Sodomy” (Pause)… Hold My Pocket

Aaron McGruder recently sent a tweet saying the bigwigs up in “standards” (i.e. the folk who make the ratings for TV shows) sent back one of the scenes for Boondocks Season 3 because of too much “obvious sodomy.” Now, I love Boondocks, and I don’t know in what context there was sodomy, but don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical for the network to reject the scene because it didn’t meet decency standards?  I mean, forget Boondocks, there’s too much obvious sodomy in American politics.

How many politicians or other elected officials were busted over the last few years for diddling little boys or interns, or were caught cheating on their wives with other men?  Obvious Sodomy.

Tiger Woods TWICE beat major headlines with press conferences and apologies for cheating on his wife.  Obvious Adultery. (in case you’re interested, the two major headlines were the commuter plane crashing into the IRS headquarters, and the bombing in Peshawar that killed 8 people).

Or what about the tea party protesters camped out in Washington, protesting everything from health care to the color of the president’s skin the sky.  Obvious Inbreeding.

We let all these obvious atrocities take place in America rampantly.  So why not allow McGruder to animate some obvious sodomy.  Heck, it’s pretty much art imitating life at this point.

So, I never thought I’d say this, but… obvious sodomy is holding my pocket.

Pat Robertson= Pocket. Everyone Else, Support Haiti

Had to revive the Hold My Pocket for this one. Right now there are two evils when it comes to disaster relief in Haiti: fake relief organizations that steal money… and Pat Robertson.

PR blames the earthquake on Haiti’s “pact with the devil” it made during the Haitian Revolution. He clearly never read The Black Jacobins. Doesn’t even sound like he did a wikipedia search.

But this is indicative of a bigger problem. This is a time for humanity to band together, and individuals like PB use this to advance their own agenda. In this case, the perverted and distorted “christian right” (oh no, it doesn’t get a capital C in my book).

If you’re Christian (or Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist or Human), you know that LOVE is the primary objective. Nothing about PR spells love.

Initially I proposed two steps for having a positive impact in Haiti:

1) donate money and get everyone you know to donate money

2) organize volunteer efforts in a few weeks when it becomes feasible for masses of volunteers to enter Haiti

And now I’m proposing a third:
Actively boycott ignorance like PR.

PR= Pocket *Expletive*. But don’t waste your time on him. Donate. Here’s how:

Sgt. Crowley AND Professor Gates…. Pocket

Racism is definitely still alive in America.  Just last week, Atwater City Councilman, Gary Frago, sent racist e-mails about President Obama.  Here is my favorite excerpt:

“Breaking News: Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 million to pose nude in the January issue. Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic.”

Oh, but his response is even more classic:

“They weren’t threatening. I’m not a racist person, I don’t know what to tell you,” said Frago.

Yea-huh.  Anyway, that’s racism.  What happened between Professor Gates and Sgt. Crowley wasn’t racism.  I mean, maybe possibly it COULD have been racism, but I really doubt it.  On what do I base this?  Simple.  The two stories are just too friggin different.

According to Crowley, Gates was a damn near lunatic and shouted insulting epitaphs about Crowley’s mother.  In Gates version, he was the model citizen and complied with every police order.  Come on…..

I don’t believe either side is accurate.  Now, did Gates feel annoyed when this white police officer came to his door?  Most likely.  Gates, like most Black people in America, has  dealt with the ever-present pressure of simply being Black in America.  And it’s the little things that make up that pressure.  Being followed in a shopping store.  Having your ID more closely scrutinized than your colleagues.  Being the only one who gets carded.  People constantly wanting to touch your hair.  (Like I said, it’s the little things).  So the last straw on the camel’s back was most likely having to break into your own house and then having a white officer asking you to step outside.

Now let’s see it from Crowley’s perspective.  Cops get a bad rap day in and day out.  Some of it is deserved.  By and large though, most cops do the right thing.  More often than not, though, they get put in difficult situations.  And I’m somewhat gritting my teeth as I type this because I’ve ALWAYS had a bad experience with the police.

Anyway, the point is, both sides are dealing with sticky situations and were probably at wits end.   As a result, they both came out with outlandish stories to make themselves sound like the victim.

The other problem with this ordeal is that it detracts from real cases of racism.  Sean BellMostafa Tabatabainejad (the Iranian student tasered at UCLA).  Megan Williams.  These are all issues that have been swept under the rug because of cases like the Crowley/Gates incident and the Jena 6.  At the end of the day, perhaps you could say it was racism.  Rather, it was the fear of racism that led to this whole situation.  And until we sit down and talk about racism in a reasonable fashion, you will continue to have more ridiculous situations like the Crowley/Gates fiasco.

Until then, it’s all in the pocket.  Racism.  Crowley.  And Gates.

Niggabots… aka Racist Alien Robots? Definitely Holding My Pocket

I may not be in the U.S. right now, but I know a coon when I see one.  Actually, I can’t decide what to call these two blaxploitation throwbacks.  I am leaning towards CoonBots from the planet Niggatron.  Let me backtrack a minute.  These are two characters from the Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen movie.  If you’re like me, you grew up watching Transformers and were hyped about the first movie.  Even though Jazz (the only Black transformer at the time) died.  That’s okay.  It was wack, but okay.  And then the sequel came out.  To put it bluntly, I wish they kept Jazz alive and killed these two metallic sambos.

Why are these characters offensive?  I’ll lay it out simply for the skeptical ones:

– they look like monkeys (as much like a monkey as a giant robot can look i suppose)
– they talk in “street dialect” clearly identifiable with certain demographics in America
– they admit to NOT BEING ABLE TO READ
– one has a gold tooth (and if you think I’m analyzing too much… ask yourself, why does a robot need a gold tooth?)

You do the math on what type of character/stereotype these two are trying to portray.

The clever guys behind Transformers already pulled all existing clips of Skids and Mudflap (yes those are the names) from youtube.  But I did manage to find this scene:

If I’m reading too far into this then Jar Jar Binks is an excellent role model for kids.

Going back to the irony of the situation.  Jazz died in the first film.  Jazz.  In the second film, he was replaced by a couple of knuckleheads who both lived.  I’ll let the metaphor sink in.

As much as I love cartoons, Transformers 2 (especially Skids and Mudflap) will have to hold my pocket.

$200 Bottle “Specials”………….. Welcome to the VIP Pocket

Oh my goodness I’m back!!  Don’t ask how.  I don’t even know how, but I’m back.  This comeback post is short, but simple.

Bottle Specials.

I’m from DC.  And one thing we love in DC is happy hour.  DC is all about knowing “where are the free drinks, where is the free food, and what time do I get there.”  But some people don’t get it.  They capitalize on DC’s other aspect:  the “I wanna be somebody” aspect aka the “young professional” aka the “grown & sexy” persona.  Quite simple, people want to feel important.  To feel important, they pay extra for VIP in clubs so they can go upstairs to restricted levels of clubs and be seen from those levels.  Hey, we’ve all done it.  And most of us have realized “wow, no one is dancing up here… did I really just spend $100 to be looked at?”

Anyway, part of the VIP persona is this concept of bottle specials.  The other day I got the following flyer in my e-mail:

$200 bottle special??

$200 bottle special??

If you can’t read the flyer, it offers a $200 Grey Goose Bottle Special.  The rest of the e-mail goes as follows:

$3 Domestic & Imported Beers
$4 Saki Bombs (Upstairs)
$5 Absolut Cocktails
$200 Grey Goose Bottle Special

What?!?! I have two issues with this and then I’ll shut up.

1) The audacity of someone offering a $200 bottle of liquor as a happy hour special (fyi, a bottle of grey goose might cost $40 in the store)

2) The audacity that someone is reading that flyer and says “wow… we gotta get in on that!!”

Sigh… but on the flip side I guess it keeps the economy stable.  Those with excess income will certainly continue to lavish themselves in outlandish gestures.  And to those that do, and to those that are selling… hold my pocket.

Islamaphobia… Seriously now, It’s 2009. Hold My Pocket

Long story short: A Muslim family boards a plane, has an internal conversation about where the safest seat is, passengers get jittery and have authorities haul them off the plane. 

The FBI investigates, clears them of any wrongdoing, and the plane refuses to let them re-board!!  WOW.  We could focus on a lot of things here (passengers nervous for no friggin reason for instance), but the fact that the airline which shall go unnamed (Airtran) refused to let them reboard and refused to book them on a later flight is outlandish.  This is even AFTER the FBI talks to the airlines directly to try and get them back on the plane.

Meanwhile, a non-Muslim non-Arab guy is delivering bombs wrapped as Christmas gifts to banks and demanding tens of thousands of dollars.

The truth is, America, we’re not safe.  Doesn’t matter if the person is white, Arab, Black, brown, Mexican, purple, plaid, Democrat, Republican, British, French, estranged cousin, or Bill O’Reilly.  We’re not safe.  Harping on one demographic of people is not going to make it any better either. 

And specifically I’m talking about the general populace and its overt uneasiness with Muslims.  Most people with the biggest fear/hatred of Muslims have never met one (yet they know specifically that they are dangerous and hate Christians… fascinating). 

So, look.  In 2009, do some research and learn about your local neighborhood Muslims.  If you don’t have any in your neighborhood, then read a book about Islam or simply Google some information about Muslims.  I promise, God won’t hate you for it and America might be a little better off as a result.

If you can’t do any of the above, then simply hold my pocket.